Patton Lee Beaugus | December 25, 2010 4:45pm
The PartyMob had fought their way thru the yuppies, metrosexuals, and Westies, sustaining only minor damage, a broken weedwacker, and some ripped clothes.
The ultimate Smackdeerdown! Clydie vs. Rudolph for the Red-Nose, and all the perqs, adulation, and commercial endorsements that went with it
They took their positions on the sidewalk outside of Rudy's Bar And Nexus Of Improbablity. The ambush was set, but where was their target? Where was 'Red Suit'?
They searched the snowy skies for the Fatman and Red-Nose.
"We missed him," commented the dimension's greatest pessimist.
Louie had an idea, “Let’s sing him in.”
The whole group started singing loudly to be heard over the snowstorm. Clydie even dropped in and joined in the singing.
Jolly Old St. Nicholas
Won’t you stop down here?
Join us for a little drink,
A cup of Christmas cheer.
Christmas Eve is over now
Now it’s Christmas Day.
Louie, says he'll buy the drinks
Santa, whataya say?
The PartyMob realized their classic rendition wasn't working so they Jingle Bell Rock'd it, and added a Rap Break.
As Molly did her rap, she did spins and lifted her micro-mini in can-can moves that flashed her 'Merry Christmas' message up to the sky. OMG, on the back was written, 'Happy Nude Year!"
D'Oliya, not to be outdone jumped up on a car burried in snow in front of the Greek Bakery next door, and performed dance moves so lewd, especially with the whip, that her performance would have had to be cut from an x-rated rap video. (You can see a bit of it if you Google D'Oliya,snow dance,nip-slip,hardcore,Santa's face.)
Nothing was happening. The song, the dance, HiTone mooning Santa, none of it wasn't working. I was so relieved I started back into Rudy's. Wait! Oh shit-on-a-sleigh-bell!
"Clydie," bring him down, ordered Louie.
"But don't kill any reindeer," reminded Molly, "or you'll break the string."
Clydie launched herself into the sky, like I launch myself at a free beer. This was Clydie's moment. Her chance to go head-to-head, antlers-to-antlers with Rudolph. The ultimate Smackdeerdown! Clydie vs. Rudolph for the Red-Nose, and all the perqs, adulation, and commercial endorsements that went with it.
Clydie was bigger and stronger than all the 8 tiny reindeer combined. But they were faster and they had horn antlers and Clydie had cheapo plastic ones from Target that meant she couldn't close the deal in a head-to-head contest. (Of course, we couldn't see any of this at that moment, but we later saw the video on YouTube) Clydie finally gave up on fighting fair and flopped her big-ass Queen Latifa body down on Comet and Cupid and Dancer and the gay one, and they all went down.
It looked like Rudolph was bravely fighting back when the PartyMob joined the fight by throwing snowballs at Santa and the reindeers.
HiTone had the best arm, and caught Santa in the eye with an iceball. Santa finally reacted. He yelled "I think you kiddies are naughty, nice nice. I'm gonna come down and put coal in your stockings and shove them up your nasty asses."The fat old idiot was landing. Noooooo!
Now was my moment, to see if I had the right wrong stuff. Or the wrong right stuff. I screamed. “Get the hell out of here!”
He must have recognized the danger, because he put the sleigh into a 360 that dumped off Clydie. The jolly old elf snapped the reins, and got as far as yelling, “On Dancer!” before the BuddaBings PartyMob swarmed over him.
I just watched. I finally believed. I believed it all. But it was too damn late.
(of Christmas as we knew it)
