Patton Lee Beaugus | December 17, 2010 4:45pm
Given my oinker nature, I was hoping for a girl fight with hair pulling and bodice ripping, lame karate moves, and more clothes ripped off
We return to our Christmas Blog finding ourselves in an alternative dimension of backyard patio at Rudy’s Bar in Hell’s Kitchen on a chilly Christmas Eve. Next Christmas Eve.
The Buddabings gang leader, Louie, had poured generous dollops brandy for me and the members of his PartyMob. We were all swilling it down like it was beer — to keep warm, of course, even if it was already warm inside the sci-fi Christmas set. I guess I mean warm inside. I guess I really mean... I'm not sure what I mean, but it was a good excuse to drink VSOP in a snifter, as if I needed one.
"We're back on schedule," Molly told me looking at her "not-an-iPod."
“You like our plan? ” D’Oliya asked me, as she rubbed up against the bossman.
“We call ‘Red Suit Down,” said Louie.
"I named it,” bragged Velvet Vinnie.
“I wanted to call it the Santa In Bondage,” piped up D’Oliya, who looked like she might just like to tie somebody up, maybe even me!
“I thought it should be ‘Operation 86 The Fat Man'’” intoned HiTone.
“You would,” said Molly who seems to be feeling her brandy. “It should’ve been called ‘Gun-Molly’s Greatest Hit. Don’t forget, I’m the one who got us into this reality,” piped up Molly.
“Stick it up your text-books, college girl. It’ll be safer.” said D'Oliya.
Naturally, given my nature, anyway, I was hoping for a girl-fight with hair pulling and ripping off clothes, and a few lame karate moves with more ripping off clothes. No such luck. And not that there were that many clothes to rip off with the young ladies wearing their Santa's Little Helpers outfits.
“We’re gonna the take the Fat Boy down tonight.” said Louie.
"And you can put a fork in that Red-Nosed showboat," said Clydie.
Vinnie slurred. “The last Santa Claus Christmas.”
“We have a secret weapon.”
Everybody turned to look at the Clydesdale in drag.
“Clydie Deerest.”
I looked over at the huge horse wearing the stupid antlers. She preened.
“We even wrote a song about it.”
"A song?" I said with what was almost a straight face, "What a surprise!"
Rudolf got his ass kicked by a Clydesdeer
Schlepping Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve.
You can say there ain't no freaking Clydesdeer,
But as for me and Santa, we believe.
Next: The Hallelujah! Have A Shooter Chorus
