Patton Lee Beaugus | December 15, 2010 4:45pm
D'Oliya emerged wearing skimpy little Santa's Helper costume, one that looked like she bought at a Village Bondage Boutique.
Louie asked, “Did you know the Romans had a Christmas, even before Christ was born?”
At that moment, I didn't care because D'Oliya emerged from behind the coatrack wearing skimply little Santa's Helper costume, one that looked like she must have bought in the Village Bondage Boutique.
Yes, D'Oliya was dressed in a Santa's Little Helper outfit, assuming Santa needed help delivering or maybe demonstrating his S&M toys."I think I'm ready." she said, doing a little runway number.
Boy, was she!
“It was called a Saturnalia, right Louie?” said D’Oliya, as she made sure her breasts weren't popping out, or maybe she was arranging them so they would. Hard to tell. I thought it required a closer look. So I looked.
“That’s right, D’Oliya. Saturnalia was like a festival where the Romans commemorated the dedication of the temple of the god Saturn. As the days got shorter, it was like, "Holyshit, we gotta turn this around."
"It was Celtic festival, too." said Molly, emerging from the 'dressing room' in a cute little Sants'a Helper outfit, with emphasis on little.
She looked as delicious as a big striped candy cane to a four-year old me.
"Saturn was the Roman god of the harvest, but Saturn needed help to turn the world into summer, so they had to get the sun god to help."
"So they had a really wild festival."
"Like a Roman orgy."
"It was a Roman orgy!"
"Then the Pope stole the idea and mixed it all up with the Solstice and Norse Yule, and the Greek god Mithras, and all kinds of other stuff.”
“Like he ripped off the Druids and mistletoe,” added Molly. “I did a paper on Druids as an undergrad. They were so cool! I think they knew all about string theory, even then.”
“The Christians ripped off Saturnalia from our ancestors and renamed it,” said little Vinnie.
I thought about pots and kettles and the color black.
“And then they religiousized it.” added Louie.
"But to the regular folks in the street, Christmas was still the Party To Bring Back The Sun."
And then, surprise, surprise, they started singing a song. And double surprise, surprise, they didn't rip off the Beatles, "Here Comes The Sun." It was an original rap.
Back in the day,
yeah, back in the day,
it was a natural holiday.
Back in the day,
yeah, back in the day,
it started on the shortest day.
The sun was low,
the night was long,
and everyone partied strong
To bring back the sun
To start a new year
They’d feast with mead and beer.
We’re taking it back
We’re making it back
For us and all of ya
We’re shaking it back
We’re baking it back
Into Bacchanalia
"Christmas back then was still half pagan."
"It was better than a 12 day bachelor party during Mardi Gras.” finished HiTone wistfully.
Louie said, "But then the Brutish British Parliament outlawed Christmas — just because Londoners had a bit of fun."
"Just cause it got a little sexy."
"In the streets."
"In the alleys."
"Tied up in the church pews."
"Up against the statues."
"Doing the statues." smirked D'Oliya.
Vinnie chimed in,
"Not at all kosher!"
"They really outlawed Christmas?" I asked, wondering if I should believe anything these wackjobs told me.
Hi-Tone was indignent,
"Absolutely, Cromwell's Parliment of 1646, they really outlawed Christmas!
Gun-Molly Walsh punched me in the arm. "Can you believe that shite? They did it in Ireland, too, which is why we Irish hate the fckin Brits."
I wondered if I could quickly look it up on Wikipedia without pissing them off.
"Self-righteous Puritans!" muttered D'Oliya.
"Cromwell created the first Christmas outlaws." added Louie. "Like we are now."
"Them Parliament dudes didn’t have no respect!" muttered HiTone.
"And it occurred to us one night…"
"Yeah, that night when we was dividing up all the stuff that had just fallen off a WalMart truck…"
"Yeah, that was when we began to wonder, why should the English of 1645 have had all the fun?"
Gun-Molly said, "Yeah!"
“So we’re gonna take it back.” said Louie.
"The sun?" I asked stupidly.
"Everything," said Hi-Tone, "Weren't you listening?"
D’Oliya added, "All of it. Every little piece."
While they started to rap again, I went over to my laptop which was sitting in the middle of Molly's lightshow control board. I looked it up on Wikipedia. And damn if they weren't right.
Maybe this whole thing was legit. Maybe it was payback. Maybe it was righteous. Maybe I needed another drink.
Next: That's The Friggin' Plan?
