Patton Lee Beaugus | December 13, 2010 4:45pm
The big stupid looking horse with the fake antlers talked! It talked. I looked around the woods. Where the fat furry fuck was Ashton?
"Did you know Clydie was a star in a Budweiser Christmas commercial?" bragged Louie as he quickly and effortlessly set up a big-ass Christmas Tree he'd yanked out of the trunk. Man, oh, man, it generally took me longer to open an umbrella, if I'd had an umbrella. If I had one, it'd be an umbrella that some kind person had left in the bar, just so I wouldn't get my Salvation Army bin clothes wet. Anyway, the Christmas tree went up fast.
"Molly told me that, I think." I wasn't quite sure of anything right then, as I watched them hustling like a tarp crew at the beginning of a rain delay.
Clydie pawed the ground modestly, like the big dumb horse with the big dumb fake antlers could understand.
Behind me I heard Molly say, “But now our girl, Clydie Deerest, is gonna be the new Rudolph, a better feminist Rudolph.” I saw Molly was setting up more techie stuff. It had like plasma screens folding up and out of a long table which I swear on my sacred EBT card, was not there 30 seconds ago. She even had an X-Box 360. Wow!
Vinnie and HiTone were putting together something made out of sheets of the bricky stuff. Shitonthehalfshell! It was a fireplace.
I looked over at Louie's tree which was already plugged in. It looked like a real tree with lights, and ornaments. Ornaments that looked like Louie and the mob in Santa and elf outfits. The instant tree seemed to have a parabolic star on top that turned in circles like a radar dish.
They sang as they worked. Why was I not surprised.
This time a tune ripped off from Chuck Berry called Run Run Rudolf. Well, everybody has always ripped off Chuck Berry and by now he must be used to it, but I think they were talking this song-knockoff thing to extremes. I thought about it for a moment and decided knocking off songs is better than knocking off people.
It was like they were constructing a four walled room, but without walls, in the middle of the glade.
The fireplace created like one wall space. It even had a mini chimney.
Molly turned on her “electronic wall” and now her equipment looked like it could be an upgrade for a Pentagon War Room in a video game. Or someting from a video geek's basement.Molly hung striped stockings on the mantle of the fireplace, including one that says “The Guy.” Was that for me?
As I watched them more, I started to think it looked like minimalist set for a low-budget off-off-broadway show. But this stuff was not low budget at all.
HiTone
dropped a log in the fireplace.
Next to the fireplace, D'Oliya set up a table with milk and cookies. Milk and cookies?
"Don't forget the cocoa," said Vinnie. "You never know."
Know what, I wondered.
"And a snifter of brandy," said Louie. It's a cold night.
"And maybe a cute red thong," said HiTone with a leer.
"In your dreams, lowtone."
There was so much going on so fast, I was spinning like a figure skater on speedballs. Maybe this was a Christmas set for a non-union music video.
I heard a whoosh and turned to see the Yule log burning like a super nova, and felt the heat blast off it like I was leaning over the top of it, even though I was ten feet away.
This setup must be for a music video. But why in the world sneak it in and set up here. Maybe they had to be somewhere where nobody could see them because it was going to be so sexy. Probably not. It was too cold for traditional rap video costumes where all the vixens had huge butts shown off well in their thongs, but I could wish, couldn't I?
"Hustle it up," cheerled Louie, although it looked like they were already hustling their hustling.
HiTone's fire was hot, hot, hot and pretty soon
it started to get warm. Hell of a fireplace, I thought.
I was getting warm. Everybody was getting warm.
On the only empty edge of the square D'Oliya had set up a coat rack with hooks. One at time, between set-up tasks, they took off their coats and hung them up. I was hanging my winter coat up, too, as the song ended, and Clydesdale said in a fuzzt little girl voice, “Why don’t I get to sing the reindeer song?”
The big stupid looking horse with the stupid fake antlers talked! It talked. Unless there was a ventriloquist among the mob. Had I fallen into a Nick at Night Christmas episode of Mr. Ed Meets The Sopranos?
“Clydie, you can’t sing this one because you have the lead on our big hit song, Chugga-luugga Christmas.” said D’Oliya, rearranging the milk and cookies table more to her liking.
“If I can't sing, I want the words to be Beer Run, Clydie.”
Molly whispered in my ear, “Clydie Diva-est.”
"Okay," said Louie, "We'll make it Beer Run, Clydie when we record it for the cd."
I thought, “How is this happening? A talking Clydesdale, and these folks taking it for granted?
For about the 9,325 th time I totally questioned the reality of this, like was there LSD in my beer or brandy. Or could have actually somehow entered an alternate reality? If there were an alternate reality, Rudy’s would be a good portal. But damn.
Okay. I accept it. I believe. I'm here. It's real. But....
where was Ashton hiding with his krewe?
Next: Don't Whizz Into The Fountain
