Patton Lee Beaugus | December 11, 2010 4:45pm
Louie came over, mic in one hand and drumsticks in the other. Or maybe they were nunchuks. Or maybe they were both. Drumchucks?
Lightfingered Louie, the PartyMob Numero Uno Ass Kicker, came over to me, mic in one hand and drumsticks in the other. Or maybe they were nunchuks. Or maybe they were both. Drumchucks?
Maybe that's how it worked in his alternate reality, or in the Psychward they all must have escaped from. How many drums could a drumchuck chuck if a nunchuck could drum drums? I think I've been watching too many Geico commercials.
I had questions. Were they going to make their window of improbablility int0 some other dimension? If they didn't what would it mean to them? And to me? Would I get a another drink?
"When is Clydie coming?" asked D'Oliya. "It's getting late. We need time to set up."
To add to all my other questions: who the hell was Clydie everybody was waiting for?
“Allow me to explain. You know we sing and play under the name of the BuddaBings Partymob.“
“Sing and other things,” added Vinnie, "that keep us in a permanent state of flux."
"Really fluxed up, huh?" I wise-assed.
“We’re diversified,“ claimed HiTone, pointedly ignoring my witticism, something I'd gotten used to. It's not my fault nobody gets my esoteric wit.
“Taking care of business as Wassailing LLC,” said Louie, "a dues paying member under the protection of the GalMauro Crime Family."
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My personal mental jukebox kicked in again. |
"Here we go a wassailing, and breaking into homes. Heisting all the silver and raping garden gnomes." Vinnie stopped and everyone stared at him.“Needs a little work,” said Molly kindly.
“Especially the ‘raping garden gnomes’ part.” added HiTone.
"You hate it!" whinned the little guy. "I totally suck!"
“The concept is good,” said D’Oliya putting her arm around his shoulder, pressing his cheek into her marvelous breasts. I can make up dumber lyrics than that, I thought jealously.
I could tell Vinnie appreciated their kindness, especially D'Oliya's. “I thought about rhyming ‘breaking into cribs’ with ‘stealing babies’ bibs.’ But that didn’t quite work either.”
"Sinatra didn't write his own material, either." said D'Oliya. That seemed to perk up the dapper little dude.
These guys acted serious, but how could they be serious about String Theory and raping garden gnomes. It was crazy, even for the kind of people I usually met at Rudy's Bar. I looked around at what had been Rudy's backyard, but was now a wooded glade, and decided it probably wasn't them being nutzoid. It was me.
Louie took me aside pouring a little more brandy into my glass, “I love Christmas, as you know. I love it so much I want to improve it. Make it better. Give it a 21st century facelift.““Our Louie is a visionary Republican businessman,” said D’Oliya. “He’s like a Jersey Steve Jobs of cartage and numbers."
"And short term payday loans," added D'Oliya.
"And knocking off kids for Halloween and reselling all the candy in Mexico."
"And private insurance for small businesses,” added HiTone.
"And running two sporting clubs and a poodle grooming parlor." said Vinnie.
Louie said, "HiTone and me, we've been doing this sorta thing since we fixed out first spelling bee back in grade school."
Hi-Tone said proudly, “We made $8.75 on bets. Each! And we never looked back."
"Except when we were being chased,” laughed Louie.
"And nobody ever caught us, except for them that wished they hadn't."
“We figure taking over Christmas is gonna be a lot more profitable,” said HiTone.
"If we don't get raped by garden gnomes in the process," offered Vinnie.
"It's just good business," added Louie, ignoring Vin.
"When we take down the FatMan and Louie becomes The Claus," said D'Oliya, we'll be on Easy Street."
"The Easy Street Gnome Cemetery," added Vinnie.
What did that mean? 'Louie becomes the claws?'
"Easy Street." repeated D'Oliya.
"Maybe, if Clydie ever shows up," Vinnie wet-blanketed.
"Easy Street!" screamed D'Oliya, reaching under the slit in her dress, where she kept her throwing stars and other weapons a gentlman doesn't mention.
"Okay, Easy Street... probably the one in Toontown in the Gumby dimension where all the werewolves are cops, and everybody has athlete's foot."
"I give up," said D'Oliya, grabbing the little guy and pulling his face into her cleavage, just to shut him up.
