Patton Lee Beaugus | December 10, 2010 4:45pm
Maybe I should stop looking for Ashton and his krewe. Maybe I should be straining my eyes through the surrounding snow and trees trying to find a black-and-white Rod Serling.
“She once did Stephen Hawking.” said D’Oliya making it sound really dirty, which I found endearing on a level I didn't want to explore further.
“Did you hear me, Paddy? We got here and we're going to get to Santa because of String Theory and the alternate realities that really exist in 16-space. We just needed to transition into the correct potential reality.”
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As I looked at Molly, the jukebox in my head started underscoring my life, again. |
"No, we picked him up in the last universe, the one in the bar before we got 86'd back here." said Molly.
Huh?
Vinnie bragged, “It was all Molly’s idea. Did you know she’s a physicist?”
Molly blushed the shade of her Christmas panties, a memory that seemed to cloud my vision whenever I looked at her.
“For her BS, she was a triple major in Information Science, Theoretical Physics, and Tae Kwon Do.” said Vinnie.
Louie added, “She graduated at MIT at 17. Made her bones at 18 taking down a drug-dealing loanshark who owed us for a case of Bud. Now, she’s finishing up her Doctorate in physics at Columbia.”
OMG, she couldn't be older than 21 or 22, if that!
“She once did Stephen Hawking.” said D’Oliya making it sound really dirty, which I found endearing on a level I didn't want to explore further.“I interned for Professor Hawking in London, for a semester,” Molly snapped back. “I didn’t do him. Well, not exactly.”
“I would have.” said D’Oliya. "Given him a BDSM seminar. Trapped in that chair, I wouldn’t even have to tie him up... unless he begged me to in his cute little electronic voice."
Jeez, if D'Oliya would do Stephen Hawking...
Louie interrupted my line of thought before it could reach the depths it was destined for. “Molly figured out a way to control alternate realities — which is what we’re in now. Alternate for us, anywho.” He seemed to enjoy bragging Molly up like he was his personal discovery, which I guess she was.
“Well, I admit I sorta borrowed the idea from Doctor Hawking.”
"She stole it," said Louie as if it were something to be proud of.
"Actually, I didn't really do it directly, crib the idea I mean. It was after I worked for Dr. Hawking and came back to my New York City. I was like channel checking the news, and I landed on Glenn Beck, and after about 48 seconds, I thought 'What convoluted wormhole did this mad man come through?' And suddenly it all made sense."
"Glenn Beck made sense?"
"No-o-o-o!" they all said in unison.
"The String Theory Getaway Plan." explained Molly as if that explained anything.
“Rudy’s Bar here is a nexus of improbability. Did I say that right?” asked Louie.
Molly nodded at the boss. "Especially back here on Christmas Eve."
Nexus of improbability. Like Rudy's Bar edges on the unreal. That’s the first thing they’d said that almost made sense to me, even though it didn’t really make any sense at all. But I was used to things not making sense... especially after 11pm.
“We need to be here, or somewhere like Rudy’s that's a node connected trans-dimensionally to the right dimension that's connected to Rudolf and Santa, so we can take our actions past the edge of improbability in order to phase into other dimensions. And we're at the exact coordinates."
"Oh," I mumbled. "Right, sure, makes a lot of sense".
"If Clydie ever finds her way here." mumbled Vinnie, a guy who'd make the early Grinch look like a positive thinker.
"To make the improbability thing work, we have to do things," said D'Oliya looking into my eyes, "improbable things. Going boldly where angels fear to tread."
"Boldly going where only the Three Stooges dare to go," added HiTone, "Entering a alternative dimension in time and space, going boldly where no mob has gone before."
They’d lost me. Again. My expression must have signaled it.
“It is like a maze, a ball of strings all tangled up, and we can go from string to string or we can get tangled up, too. Right Molly?”
“Right Louis. But I think I’ve figured out which strings to pull. At least theoretically.”
"More than theory, Molly, because here we are," said Louie. "And with two more transitions we can pull off the biggest hit in the history of history in any of 16 dimensions."
"It'll be legendary." said HiTone.
"Yeah, legendary," piped up Vinnie, "if 0ur heads don't explode."
"They'll write books and songs and blogs about us," said Louie.
"If Clydie shows up, and if we don't miss our window, and if we don't end up stuck in this fairy glade or the drunkie's bland reality for all time and space."
I was beginning to seriously dislike this bad-attituded little prick.
Molly came up very close to me. I could smell the brandy on her breath, as she said, "Trust me."
