Patton Lee Beaugus | December 7, 2010 4:45pm
Where was I in my last blog? I think I was fantasizing about something.
Singing 'Assholes' is a Rudy’s tradition. Like 'You Never Even Call Me By My Name' at Coyote Ugly. Only Yo doesn’t dance on the bar.
Was it the one about Monica Belucci and Megan Fox where they asked me to judge the nuances of erotic body art placement? No, I don't think so.
Was I blogging about my fantasy of Lindsay Lohan asking me carry her up to hotel room because she was too drunk to take off her wet clothes? No, that was last night's dream..
Oh shitareeni, now I remember. It wasn't a fantasy. It was about ugly reality in saturated colors. Yeah, I left off my last blog on a Christmas Eve where I was totally fcked-in-the-, uh, in trouble.Dandy the manager of Rudy’s Bar in Hell’s Kitchen was attempting to 86 'us' for singing. But my new ‘friends’ the BuddaBings PartyMob seemed to be resisting. I saw this as a bad move for all concerned, especially me, if I were to be caught in the middle, which I seemed to be.
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The jukebox in my head started playing the class song from my High School senior year.
I know from experience that I should listen to the jukebox in my head, because it was smarter than I am by about 46 IQ points. |
“You can’t sing in here,” Dandy replied.
“I heard other people singing when I came in earlier,” said Molly.
“They were singing along with ‘Assholes’,” said Dandy as if that explained it.
“A song on the jukebox,” sez I, attempting to defuse the situation.
Molly and her friends look at me as if that made no sense at all. Well, a lot of people and things at Rudy’s don’t make sense, which is once reason the dive is so popular among such an eclectic clientele. Rudy’s is off the chart nuts!
“It’s a song about Assholes,” I said just in case that particular classic tune wasn’t favorited on their ipods. I think the only place in the world you can find it is Rudy's, because it ain't the one by Jimmy Buffet who is also into assholes.
Dandy continued, “Everybody here sings 'Assholes.' It’s a Rudy’s tradition. Like they sing along with 'You Never Even Call Me By My Name' at Coyote Ugly’s. Only Yolanda doesn’t dance on the bar.”
“I think she should,” I volunteered, “especially on slow evenings.”
Louie grinned. “So Mick assholes and Yuppie assholes and asshole assholes can sing about assholes, but us Italian Americans can 't sing a nice sweet song about Christmas cheer, and we gotta shut-the-fuck-up or get-the-fuck out?”Dandy wasn’t backing down, which by the way, I consider ill-considered. He shrugged. “Cabaret Laws. And I can’t risk my license. Sorry.”
This didn’t seem to satisfy any of them. Smoking laws. Cabaret laws. Laws against murder, mayhem and kidnapping. Machs nichts.
D'Oliya sashayed toward him in time to the music on the jukebox which I think was "I Shot The Sherrif."
“And you can’t dance, either.”
“You mean if I asked you nicely, I mean very very nicely, you wouldn’t dance with me?” asked D’Oliya sidling up to the Bar Manager.
I noticed Molly was reaching into her boot. And HiTone had his hand under his coat and it looked like I was going to get a better look at his weedwacker.
The old Westies were moving toward the back, toward us.
Louie pushed between Dandy and D'Oliya.
D'Oliya stepped back against the wall, and reached into the high slits in her dress to pull out her stars, again. I was so scared, that sight didn't even register until later, when I wished I'd taken a better look.
Louie smiled at Dandy. Dandy wasn't smiling. Only HiTone and Molly were smiling because there was a chance they could waste someone or maybe massacre the whole bar.
Louie looked over Dandy’s shoulder at the back door. "There must be some way to resolve this situation."
Dandy’s no dummy. “If you want to sing or dance, take it out to the backyard patio.”
Vinnie said, “It’s December out there!"
"I'll freeze my boobs off!” added D'Oliya.
I mumbled, "I certainly hope not."
Dandy moved to the back door and pushed it open. A cold wind blew in, which actually felt good on my hot, sweaty face.
Everybody was frozen in place. Even the Westies.
